April Reflections

Published on 8 April 2023 at 18:25

It’s April.
Taurus energy.
Brother’s birthday month.
He permeates my every thought.


It’s been a lot of reflection,
Introspection,
In this time have I been making progress?
Or has it been for nought?

 

Through many storms as a family we had been,
And to each of us it finally seemed,
our lives we were cheerfully living.
Then all of a sudden,
Broken!
Shattered!
In pieces that glass that was our lives,
Scattered!

 

I cried,
I cried long,
I cried until I thought that I too, would be gone.
I cried because my dear one I lost,
I cried because I was so lost!
I was torn,
Not knowing how with my life I could go on.

 

I can tell you I was scared,
Of this whole world,
For none of this was I prepared,
I was terrified.
What I thought I knew, what I believed,
I no longer trusted,
No more was I at ease.

The world had betrayed me,
Or had it?
I didn’t know, I couldn’t think,
I was conflicted, confused,
Mad, scared, hurt, angry.
God, Universe, Spirit, guide me!
What should I do?
Please, I’m lost, find me!

 

I have yearned for the pain to go away,
I have ached for direction on how to have peace come my way.
In between the breakdowns, the tears and the wails, there have been many quiet moments, where I prayed and prayed and prayed.
I talked to Our Father, to the Holy Spirit, Ancestors, and Angels too,
And many times to my brother,
For I needed direction, I didn’t know what to do.
I couldn’t find solace in anyone around,
I just couldn’t find a person that could in my place stand.
The only ones, and with whom I wanted to be,
Were my mummy, my Charlie, my Chris,
My dear family.

 

Don’t be mistaken, I am so grateful for those of you my friends,
Those of you who like family, were sent to be by me,
Be that support, when I was a shell to Hold me up,
Be with me, and Sit beside me.
You’ve never stopped calling, even when you don’t have words to say,
You’ve never stopped calling, not even to this day.
I thank you,
Again I thank you, from my heart sincerely this I say,
For I never knew when I met you, such an important role in my life you’d play.

 

But My protection, my direction, my sense of purpose, my focus too,
Has always been My family,
It’s just what I’ve been blessed to grow through.
With the loss of my brother,
I saw the loss of my life as I knew,
And indeed on that dark day,
The me I knew, that me, was and is through!

 

In those moments when I’ve been silent,
When I’ve been listening for an answer, when I’ve been calm,
It’s been in those moments that I’ve received my guidance, received my direction, those thoughts that are setting me on track.
One day at a time, I’ve been doing my work,
Work on me that’s real,
Work that’s painful and deep,
Work that involves reaching in, addressing issues that are big.
Work that has me questioning, has me answering, on occasion sighing too,
Work that has me laughing, has me crying,
Has me wondering what’s real anymore,
What’s true?

 

In this moment, for me now,
I’ve decided, for me it’s clear.
Each day I breathe with a mission.
Of not just living,
Of not just being,
Of not just breezing through,
Not just existing,
Not being in fear.

I breathe for each of my family,
For our loved one lost,
And For all I hold dear,
I breathe for my brother’s legacy,
For what I know he’d do if he were still here.


Even so, I’ve learned most importantly,
In these months so tragic, the many months I’ve been in despair,
That life is not promised, and I have to live fully in each moment,
And to do that with much flair.

 

I look forward to healing,
That journey to healing,
What is that even, pray tell?
I’ve found it’s a rollercoaster,
Sometimes down, very low down,
And sometimes easily up and over.
Healing is navigating a new journey,
A new journey with my new old self,
A journey filled with old and new memories, tears, laughter and even some regret.


My healing is also filled with emotions, some light, some heavy, but emotions no less,
Emotions that I have to sit with, feel and acknowledge, just so that I can process my loss,
And from this be able to De-stress.

To each day I come openly,
I come with gratitude and come with faith.
I come not knowing what the day will bring, but knowing I am ready to roll up my sleeves and play.
For each day I also come in asking for strength,
The strength to keep plugging on this journey I can’t control,
I can’t have my way.
And Whatever that healing is meant to be for me,
I know I’m on the way,
Because These words I pen,
The words come not from me,
But from somewhere in,
Somehow, I know what to say.

-Linda Rosslyn (4/10/2022)

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